Applesaucing..

On Saturday I went to a friend's and a group of us made applesauce and apple pie filling to be canned and froze respectively. And to just have a general girls day. It was a lot of fun we only get about 34 quarts of applesauce canned but it was really good applesauce and we made it using slow cookers. I would say we watched Fifth Element and Medicine Man but the reality is it played in the background as we played Apples to Apples and prepped the apples for sauxing and pie filling (respectively). I might add pictures later but I have to wait to see if I get sent copies of them. Since I never got copies of the photos from when we made jam or from the party. But it's all good.

Apple processing day ran into the evening and we went out to have dinner and then came back for game night. Game night lasted until almost midnight. And by Midnight pretty much everybody was cranky and tired and I had half an hour to drive home. Since they are all rude and live in a different town than me. lol. But more on game night, we played more Apples to Apples, I really enjoy that games so that was fine with me. And we played Bang! which was more fun then I thought it would be. Then there was the art auction game, which I won, yay me, lol but I didn't really care for that one at all.

I am on my lunch break which is almost over so this is it for my Applesauce post.

Tomorrow well almost today.

Tomorrow or well essentially today I am going to make applesauce and apple pie filling with some friends to can. I made Jam with two of them and a few others a couple months ago. It was a lot of fun. I hope that applesauce and pie filling will be too. I really should be sleeping but of course I am not. I can't sleep and don't want a pill that will make me sleep.
Thanksgiving is coming up. I would like to think I am ready for it but I am not. Thanksgiving used to be my favorite holiday. And now not so much. My mom passed away a couple years ago and it was the only holiday we celebrated ever year as a family, never fail. Then she got cancer and she fought it until she lost the battle and passed away. November 8th 2007 in the early morning hours. That first Thanksgiving my sister insisted on having a turkey and playing scrabble. Scrabble was my mom's favorite game we were never big on it but every Thanksgiving we made a point of always playing scrabble, it made my mom very happy. Last year we did a big meal my sister and I preparing it all between the two of us. Our brother showing up late, but that is just how he is. And we played scrabble.
My sister is in the Air Force she got orders so she's out of the country this Thanksgiving. So I am doing all of the Thanksgiving dinner myself this year. My dad will come to my house and my brother I am sure will show up late. But there will be no scrabble this year. I can't bring myself to buy one and I won't ask my dad to bring my mom's. Besides I think it might be too much for me. I don't know how to explain it and I try not to let people see it but I can only take so much stress especially emotional stress before I break. I am only human after all. This is one of the hardest months for me anymore. If I could have it just quietly pass like other months I would. I am pretty sure my dad feels the same way. In fact I think he expected since my sister wouldn't be back for this Thanksgiving and my brother making noises for having to work that we wouldn't be celebrating together, that I would be celebrating with my husbands family. And to be honest usually on the way out to my dad's we stop at my husband's grandmother's house since she lives just don't the road from my dad. But I threw him when I called and asked if he wanted me to come cook the turkey at his house or if he wanted to come here for turkey. This will be the first Thanksgiving I will have cooked everything myself that ought to be very stressful for me. I hate it when the food I make don't turn out perfect.
Christmas is coming up here too. I swear it is sneaking up on me. I've done nothing, no christmas shopping and I haven't even started my Christmas cards. This year I wouldn't mind skipping all the Christmas hoopla and just doing a nice simple present free Christmas celebration. But I know that won't be happening and this will probably be the last Christmas we could get away with something like that. As the boys get older I imagine it'll be harder to convince my husband on the present free Christmas idea. Well it's late and I should lay in the dark in silence trying to sleep. I will try to post about the applesauce making and all that fun stuff.

First Post and it is a long one.

I am unhappy with certain aspects of my life. Not the important ones just the minor ones. I could change it I am sure but I don't. Is it because I am scared of change? I don’t think so but maybe. Maybe it’s because I’ve changed so much and I am not sure I like all of how I’ve changed that is the issue. More change might me worse or it might make me better. But in general over all I like who I am. I think that he is a large part of the reason I am the way I am. Without him I don't know if I would be who I am or where I am today. Let me explain with a little back story.

His name was Justin (okay it wasn’t really Justin but I am changing it to Justin because I don’t want to have to deal with any crap and drama if he stumbles upon this). We met through some mutual friends. My family background and past relationships made me want to be loved but of course I was too stupid to admit that to even myself so I jumped from one bad relationship to another. No matter how much I swore I was not going to be in an abusive relationship, I seemed to find myself in them rationalizing away. That’s what I do I am a person who rationalizes everything. Don’t get me wrong I have a cutoff point in abusive relationships, at a certain point I would walk away. But with Justin it was different, I got involved in the relationship with our mutual friends telling me I was stupid that he had issues but did I listen no. Why not you ask? If anybody should have known better it was me with my crappy track record, but no of course not. Here I am looking at him thinking he is attractive and he is nice. Because at the beginning of course he was he treated me great. For months he did and after a little more than 6 months of the best relationship I had, the healthiest relationship I had everything changed. And no he did not start hitting me, it was smaller than that.

Yes looking back I realize I should’ve known especially with my track record. Which we all know I didn’t if I did I wouldn’t be sitting here babbling this all out on paper. I remember at this point I was spending a lot of the evenings at his apartment instead of the one with my roommate. Frankly I started out as one of the girls who told themselves they were going to wait until they were married. I didn’t of course like a lot of girls I was friends with, all of us for different reasons. And no it wasn’t one of those I am going to put out because he says he loves me things. To me having sex with a guy does not prove or disprove love. I know the rationale will sound stupid to a lot of people, but a quick summary would be I was raped when I was 16 and something warped in my brain went there is no point in waiting now you aren’t a virgin anymore. Yes I know many of you are thinking that is stupid or that doesn’t make any sense but it did to me, and that’s all that mattered. I did not jump right into sleeping with anybody after I was raped either, I didn’t sleep with anybody for about 2 years. But that is another story or another time. Anyways back to Justin and me, we started having one of those on again off again relationships. Half the time I had trouble keeping it straight. It all started small, he would be mean, say something mean or do something mean and then blame it on me. I would get fed up and end it and then he would come professing his love and swear to do better and he would for a little while. Then we would be back to where we started. Crazy thing is I stayed and keep getting back with him. I told myself that I really loved him and he loved me. His family told me he loved me, and that it was because he wasn’t getting the mental help he needed.

Yes his family knew how things were and they wanted us to stay together, at least at first. They thought I was good for their son because when we had problems and I was through he would get his stuff together for awhile and it gave them hope I guess. I know they loaded lots and lots of pressure on me to help him get better. I started going to his therapy sessions with him, just to make sure he went, since he insisted he wouldn’t go alone. They didn’t truly help him. I am not saying therapy doesn’t work, I personally think it would. Justin’s problem was when the therapist wasn’t saying what he wanted to hear or agreeing with life the way Justin saw it he wouldn’t go anymore and his parents would get him a new therapist. They in my opinion were enablers of Justin’s bad behavior and problems. I am not saying it was their fault but they made it easy for him. But I guess I did too. And yet in some point during this unhealthy relationship I got tired. I got tired of trying to help Justin when it didn’t seem like he wanted to truly help himself. Then I got angry and somewhere in there I got a backbone, just not quite enough of one to leave. Just enough of a backbone mixed with being fed up and angry to make our dysfunctional unhealthy relationship just that much worse.

My friends, those that stuck around to put up with me being in an unhealthy relationship, the ones I dared to see even though if Justin found out he would’ve kicked my butt for seeing, keep telling me to get out. His friends, who claimed to be my friends also, and maybe some were I couldn’t even really tell you to this day told me to get out. Justin insulted me and called me names; I got mad and yelled back and stormed out. Justin hit me I left threatening to call the cops, and yet I never did. Justin only ever hit me a few times in the relationship, which of course was my fault. I know now rationally it wasn’t, on some level then I knew it wasn’t. I would leave but I would always take him back. Everything changed for me after I decided to seek counseling for myself. I sought a preferred provider through my insurance at work; one of the girls that I had befriended me at work had gone to her and spoke highly of her. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do when I got there so the first couple of session where awkward and we didn’t really discuss things too deeply.

Yes I was going to therapy and yet still in this relationship. At some point I decided Justin should go see MY therapist. He did not like her after we went, she didn’t agree with him on the way he thought things should be. Including how he saw my role in his life. My next appointment she told him he was aluminum foil and I deserved platinum. It didn’t make me end the relationship but it did get me to think. Justin had this habit of blowing me off and staying out of contact for a week at a time. He expected me to sit a home waiting for him. I decided not to, maybe it was childish but I called and left a message that if he was going to blow me off and not talk to me for a week I was through; he could just lose me number. I am sure he thought I was bluffing so he didn’t call me back for a few weeks. Of course, I was freaking out after I hung up. All kinds of thoughts where racing through my head. Was I doing the right thing? I love him if I try harder it could get better. What if he was right and he was the only guy who could love me after I got raped?

I remember hearing or seeing or something from a book or a show or a movie or something that when your heart is broken the best way to get over it is to stay busy. And so I called the few remaining friends I had and I got a life. Now I know that I gave up my virgin when I was married aspirations but I did not become a slut after being raped. In fact I can to this day count the number of guys I have slept with on one hand. But that if I had slept with a dozen I would be a slut. I don’t necessarily think the number of people you sleep with in your life makes you a slut or not. I think it’s how you go about deciding who you will sleep with. If you will sleep with anybody anytime anywhere that definitely makes you a little slutty in my book. And I am sure sleeping with more than one guy in my life makes me a slut in some people’s book. And to be honest I don’t really care anymore. So I made myself busy in other ways, I went out with friends, I made new friends, I went out to the bar. I went out to the bar a lot. Not to drink but to hang out and shot pool. I didn’t live in a big town and there wasn’t a whole lot to do. We hung out at people’s house and apartments, went to the river when the river permitted, went to the park, had parties, went to the movies and out to the clubs but largely we went out to the bar. I became kind of a weird party girl, I would go to parties sometimes I would drink but usually I would not and I wasn’t the type to just put out.

After my voicemail to Justin I didn’t hear from him for a week and a half. Then he started calling over and over. I would shut of my cell and he would fill my voicemail with messages. Then he started showing up, waiting around for me outside. And when I can out he alternated from calm and pleading to insane and raging. So I started having people walk me to my car. Strong imposing looking guy friends, bouncers, and security guards you get the idea I am sure. Are you sitting there wondering why I didn’t call the cops yet? On some level I still thought I loved him. I told him which was probably stupid of me that we had had a severely dysfunctional relationship that was unhealthy for both of us and that it didn’t matter if I loved him and he loved me I could not and would not be in that situation. The whole time he was seeing other girls, I knew it, he knew it, and his friends knew, my friends knew but he still wouldn’t leave me alone. I bet you are thinking at some point I called the cops on him, I didn’t, I probably should have. In fact I know I should have. If he was to start this all up again I would, at least I truly hope I would.

So you are thinking this isn’t much healthier then our dysfunctional relationship, right? Well you would be right about this. My good guy friend told me once that he and Justin had words a few times, essentially him telling Justin to back off and leave me alone and Justin calling me a slut and insisted that while I might sleep with him I would get back with Justin in the end. I am sure that rational in Justin’s mind was true we had been so on again off again that most of our “mutual friends” figured we’d end up back together like we “always” did. Then it escalated. His mom called me and yes I answered and yes I talked to her. She keep saying things like if you want to end it with Justin then I should let her know so maybe we could work something out. She went on and on about how I was so good for Justin and that he was having such a hard time with this. Just piling on the guilt part of me buying into it and the other part just thinking I don’t want to get dragged further in. Then she sealed the deal if I would talk to him one more time in person she would make sure he left me alone if I truly did not want to be with him anymore. But if I ever cared about him I should want to help him fine closure. How many of you are thinking how stupid are you? Or what the hell is wrong with his family?

Alright I am supposed to see him and one of his parents is suppose to be there. I show up, he is there; I am there, parent not present. Surprised? Yeah I wasn’t too much so. Although the gun part of the equation threw me for a loop. He was mad that I left him he was saying he could forgive me for being a slut as long as I didn’t have somebody else’s baby. That he loved me that he wanted to work things out. Now he wasn’t pointed the gun at me. Though he let me know he would use it if I tried to leave. I take at my cell phone yes I antagonized the guy with the gun. Smart? Probably not but I really didn’t think he would shot me. Of course he figured I was going to call the cops and grabs my phone and smashes it and shoves me into his bookshelf. I don’t know what when on in his head if he just snapped or what but the next thing I remember he starts threatening to shot himself if I leave him. And there I go with antagonizing the guy with the guy. I don’t know what was wrong with me but it pissed me off and I didn’t want to be with a guy who would threaten to kill himself just to keep me. Mean? Probably. Horrible? Most likely. If I had to do it all over I would not have shown up at all. I would have told his mom to shove it that if they wanted what was best for their son they wouldn’t expect me to fix it all. So here we stand Justin with a gun pointed to his head and me standing there antagonizing the situation.

I told him flat out and in a calm rational voice that I would not and could not be with him, I wish him the best and hope that he finds happiness but I was through and that he threatening to shot himself wasn’t going to change that for me. He started crying saying he knew I never loved him and that I made him love me and then I shoved it all back in his face. He went on and on in that vein. Telling how I would have to spend the rest of my life knowing it was my fault he killed himself. I would have felt guilty I know it and I would have had to spend years and counseling if he had. I don’t know what was wrong with me but I just kept thinking I don’t want to spend the rest of my life like this. So I decided to guilt the guy with the gun. Justin was many things and as mean as he was to his parents I knew he truly loved him. So I told him that if he shot himself in the living room of his apartment that his parents would have to clean it, that it wasn’t like a cleaning company would do it. Mean? Oh yeah it was. True? I don’t know but he obviously thought it was. So he got all haughty and says fine he would shot himself in the tub if I left the apartment when into the bathroom got into the tub and closed the shower curtain. What did I do? No I didn’t leave the apartment. I didn’t want to chance that he might actually blow his brains out. I used his cell phone and called his dad. And then sat on the couch and cried while I waited for his dad to show up.

When his dad finally showed up, he told me to leave all the while Justin was cussing and yelling at me for calling his dad. His dad gave me this big spill which essentially said that they had hoped that I would have helped their son but I pushed him to the breaking point instead and that it would be best if I stayed away from Justin. Yes because to them apparently it was my fault he went of the rocker. I paid a large chunk of change for a new cell phone and changed my number. And I know you are thinking idiot why didn’t you change it sooner, I had a few times and somehow Justin always got it. I moved out of my apartment to a new place. And hope that would be the end. I heard that they got their son counseling through the grapevine. I had peace finally. I got into a new relationship dysfunctional in its own way I guess. But it wasn’t abusive not verbally, not physically, maybe a little emotionally but many it was just a normal relationship.

It definitely was much more normal then all my previous relationships. My friends liked him, he liked most of my friends and most of his friends liked me. Of course a couple told him not to date me that they wanted to sleep with him or sleep with me again. And like I told him I don’t know about the again part I didn’t sleep with them. Justin was mentioned to me every once and awhile and I told everybody I didn’t want to know about him. Apparently during our huge long drawn out debacle of an emotional breakdown/break apart from each other he had a baby with some other girl. Or so I heard around town. I feel sorry for her and the kid if he has the kind of dysfunctional relationship with them that he had with me. So here I was in a normal relationship and Justin leaving me alone. Life was great.

Then Justin starts calling again, I don’t know how he got my number but he did. Here he was leaving threatening messages on my voicemail. Not threatening me mind you, no but my boyfriend. I tell my boyfriend and he insists he isn’t worried about it, that everything would be fine; I just needed to change my number again. And I did, apparently Justin couldn’t get my new number right away. I refused to give to anybody I knew associated with Justin on any level no matter how small. I guess one of them had been giving him my new cell numbers. So a few months down the road my current beau and I break up. Him dumping me telling me and I quote “Good things always go to hell, and you are so wonderful to me I just want to end this before it goes to hell and I fall in love with you.” Of course this was at the end of our “date” because at this point in the relationship all dates are essentially more like hanging out. So here I am crying and he is standing there telling me he still wants to be friends. My friend Sara calls and wants to know if was want to come over for a few drinks and I take her up on it. My now ex boyfriend over hears and wants to drive me there and pick me up and bring me home because he didn’t want to have to worry about me all night. Maybe it was because I was hurt but I told him no and when he wanted me to call him that night to let him know I was okay I was mean and told him that he gave up the right when he dumped me to save himself from loving me.

I didn’t do anything stupid; I stayed the night at Sara’s. I do not drink and drive. He ended up calling our mutual friend Jo to talk about me. Jo and I we hung out a lot, she stuck around to be my friend the whole time I was dating Justin and she helped me when I finally choose to get out of it. At Jo’s birthday party my ex boyfriend and I kind of got back together but it was all unofficially like, but that ended when I had the whole pregnancy scare. He was in line to take over step-daddy’s company and he was worried that if he had a baby out of wedlock and I made it clear I don’t marry merely due to a baby, I wanted the selfish stuff, love and all of that. That ended that, well that and me telling him off one night when I was drunk. It went along the lines of me wanting everything and if he wasn’t man enough to risk a little heartbreak by letting love in then that was his loss. After a few weeks and him not contacting me I changed my number and moved on.

It has been a few years and I am happily married now. With two children both adorably little boys and my husband is a good man. We have our issues like every couple does. I am no longer in therapy. We do not have an unhealthy abusive relationship. We are happy. I know how hard getting out of abusive relationships and loving yourself and finding healthy love can be once you get into the dysfunctional cycle. And if anybody out there reads this and they go I am there I have a bad relationship or I’ve been there and wants to talk I am always willing to listen and give my opinion. Even if you’ve never been there and I hope that’s most of you and I hope that most people never end up in that kind of relationship or even the kinds that are worse, if you want to talk I am willing to listen and give my thoughts. Thank you all for reading this.